I have made a decision...that in 2010 I'm going to have a committed relationship. I mean a real relationship. I've been in non-stop "relationships" for the last 13 years...but I didn't get what I deserved or what I wanted.
I was with my oldest daughter's father from 1996 to 2001 - That ended with me leaving a brand new house that he and I just purchased in June 2000. With me only living in it for six (6) months. How about this...I remember telling him the night before we were to go to settlement that I didn't want the house. lol He had already moved out of his apartment a couple of days prior and he was living with me. Yeah. But I did it anyway. Thinking it was going to be alright...and it wasn't. So I left.
Moved back in with my mom....it was like starting all over...with child and in March of 2001, I met my youngest daughter's father on Yahoo Personals, before it became a fee for service product. We hit it off. Awwww man....we fell in love hard...summer of 2001 - what a GREAT summer. But he had his ties. Ties that I could never break. I had our daughter in July 2002 and about two (2) weeks after giving birth, I met my next suitor. But he and I really didn't hook up until mid September of 2002.
I ended up leaving my youngest daughter's father for my suitor because I thought it was a better situation. (To protect this suitor's identity, I'm changing his name - but for those who know...you know...and no need to call him out like that! lol - so let's call him SD! LMAOOOO) Being with SD was like jumping STRAIGHT out of the frying pan and into the pits of hell itself!
Awww Lawd....From 2002 to 2009...on and off...off and on...back and forth. It was mental struggle with him. It was mentally draining. I had to eventually stop entertaining him because he and I were just going no where after all this time. I'm not going to go into specifics about it but I learned so much from that relationship...I CLEARLY know what I want. I'm no longer confused. lol What a learning lesson.
So during the time of being on and off with SD...I had friends with benefits...these were my attempts to break free from the mental chains that were tying me to him....some of the friends were little bit more serious but they couldn't take off and fly because I kept comparing them to SD in my mind. CONSTANTLY!!!!!
So now it's 2009....I'm SD FREE. lol And I have been making new male friends. It wasn't until I truly stopped entertaining SD's mental hostage takeover brainwash tactics, that for the first time I've felt free to really like another person without any preconceived notions or baggage.
However, I've made a decision....I want a REAL relationship now. I'm too much of a classy lassy to continue on this path. I have my stuff together. lol FINALLY. My head is on straight, established career, schooling is complete, I'm open and learning patience. Life is giving me a slew of possibilities.
Now I will say this....there is one in particular friend that I really like. He's a special friend. I really like his energy. Cool dude. I really don't know where that situation is going. It's just flowing and it's nice to enjoy the flow. So whatever happens, happens.
It just feels like 2010 seems like a good time to start. I will be 39 - It will be the start of a new decade...it's a good way to close out my 30s and open up the new chapter of the 40's. I'm more mature. I can speak honestly to a man without feeling like if I speak my mind he's going to jet. I'm so coming into my own now. I'm feeling strong. It really is true when they say your life begins at 40. It does. You have maturity. The struggle of a career have passed. The children are maturing and becoming more self reliant....It's just a good place for me now.
I don't know when marriage is coming to me, hell it may never come to me......I just know I'm no longer entertaining bullshit anymore.
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