Michelle Carey

Author | Screenwriter | Poet | Podcaster

Copyright © 1998 - 2019, Michelle S Carey. Sunrai Multimedia, LLC. All rights reserved.

2 double O nine N re-VIEW

It is so easy to get the holiday blues. The holiday season represents things hoped for, things lost, and things yet materialized.  So here is my year in review....

 

2009 in Review

In January of 2009 I was dating this really nice guy. He wasn't my usual type. But he was something to do. It was during a time when me and my long term ex were on one of our hiatuses. But by April, I let him go. He was ten years my junior, white, loves NASCAR and he worked two jobs, but all he wanted to do was discuss his bills. lol Okay honey...we all have bills, but I don't allow it to consume my life to the point that I eat, sleep, and only think about my bills. I let him go because he asked me for $125 to pay his car insurance bill.  That was a NO NO. One, I'm not the Bank of America and two I didn't want to set up the pattern of loaning him money and then him paying me back.  He would have paid me back, but I wasn't having it. Looking back that was just a sexual relationship. And it was one that didn't last to long....thank God. lol :-) 

Also in January 2009, this country inaugurated it's FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT of the United States. It was a moving, wonderful and spiritual experience.  This changed a lot of things at work. With the new Obama Administration came the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act aka ARRA in mid February - gone was the old Bush Administration initiative - the President's Management Agenda (PMA)...and it was busy around my job with helping Federal agencies implement ARRA.  It was hectic for most of the year. After ARRA, came the Detroit Hiring Fair and then we instantly moved into Hiring Reform. And I had mentally checked out on January 20th.  It was hard for me to get myself together.  I truly believed that I wasn't doing my heart's desire and that is to write for a living. 

So I moved my website and started to really work on my blog in mid-February. I've done a great job this year of writing in my blog and expressing bits and pieces of my life as they happen.  The only month I missed for 2009 was April. 

In December 2008, I withdrew from one of my classes - my LAST class of the program. But I was too preoccupied with the really nice guy I was dating and I really didn't feel like doing school work. However, by the end of February 2009, I had gotten myself together. And I was ready to finish my degree. I had to finish my thesis and complete the last course. I had already finished the first draft of the thesis, but I needed to make the edits and tighten it up. I am really bad with proofreading. I had received an incomplete for the course. I had to reedit, get the finished thesis bounded, shipped off to my school, have it graded, and get the grade changed in the system - ALL by March 31st. By this time it was March 5th. But I got it together.  And the course I had signed up for in April was dropped because not enough students signed up...so I took a very interesting class in May.  It was about the Beat Generation/Movement.  It was an intense four weeks. But I finished.  I received my degree in the mail - Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing.  This is my third Master degree.  This is the LAST time I will ever enter a formal educational program! I'm tired of school!!!! lol I'm done!!!!!

June 25th - My beloved Michael Jackson passed away.  This was devastating to me. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. It was very difficult for me. But I think it was difficult for a lot of people that really loved MJ and his music. I will LOVE Michael Joseph Jackson forever! He was a true visionary...he was a gentle soul.  And when I saw the movie of This Is It on November 1st, it really showed a different side of MJ. One that I hope that everyone grasps.  This last show he was preparing was fro me...it was for you....he did it for the love his fans...the love of the art form...the love of music....that movie showed how MJ was not an angry man.  He had greatness. No other person has ever captured the hearts of so many people. 

Over the summer, I bowled in my summer league. I bowled like crap.  The last time I bowled like that, I was a beginner bowler...but I've been bowling well during my winter league. Go figure.

By July,  I had called quits again with my on again/off again ex.  This time I was absolutely serious about not getting back with him. The previous pattern was after three months of being off, we'd fall back to one another and stay on for about six months...then we'd fall out and be off again for three months....back and forth.  This went on for SEVEN years!!!!!!!  But this has lead to nothing substantial. I decided to no longer entertain his phone calls or text messages.  I've been clean and sober from him for five months. Yay me!!!! 

The first weekend in August I attended my 20th high school reunion.  I had never attended any of the previous reunions.  I had previously asked the ex back in 2008 to attend, but being the jerk that he can be he said yes, but when it came time for me to purchase the tickets in May, he backed out. But I went ahead and followed through. I purchased one ticket. Then the time came...and I had a ball that entire weekend.  I realized I didn't need him.  The reconnection was great.  I forged new friendships with people that I didn't hang out with while in high school. Facebook as come our common place for the interactions we share.  We even do things outside of FB. It's a great source of networking. 

During this time I also started getting back into dating and I met someone special. Someone from my distant past. When he approached me, I would have never thought five months later I'd feel the way I do about him.  I wasn't checkin' for him.  He wasn't on my radar. I often play one memory in my mind over and over.  I wish I could go back to that period in time and just start all over with him. I would admit now that I sold myself short when it came to him.  He and I came to an agreement that I was satisfied with. He had already stated to me that he wasn't looking for anything more serious than what we agreed to. And I wasn't interested in having another relationship with anyone at that moment in time. I just wanted to date and be free to do as I felt whenever I felt it. I was cool with this set up and the agreement we made.  I dated other men, but he captured me. UNEXPECTEDLY.  I heard about how this can happen to a person when a person least expects it BAM it comes. However, what happens when it only comes to one person and not the other? lol I mean that is life right?  I knew it to be true, when he and I were to hook up, but something came up and when I finally saw him later that day I felt this deep intense emotion to come over me...it was more than just elation.  When he got in the car, I felt all was right in the world.  Needless to say, I hid my feelings from him...then one night he put me on notice and reminded me of our agreement.  CRUSHED. But rightfully so. I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall for him. SUCKA! lol I was a sucker.  But this wasn't his issue.  This was my problem.....So I lied to him about the onset of my intense feelings when he confronted me. I knew that showing my true feelings towards him would end it all. So I put on a show. I walked cloaked and daggered.  I continued to see him and I continued to hide my emotions. But for me, it began to get too emotionally complicated for me; and in order to rid myself of how I was feeling, I stopped speaking to him. I refused to call or text him.  I was scared that he'd see through me.  Eventually, he also stopped calling and texting me as well. I think he figured out how I was feeling and decided that it was best he jump ship too before he thought I'd become to too needy and dependent on him.   Not my style. I am respecting him, his space and our agreement. I can't even say I lost him.  He was never mine to lose.  We weren't in a committed relationship.  I just felt an intense connection with dude.  However, it became clear to me over time that the more I saw of him the more I became conflicted and the more unhappy about the situation I became. The last five months have been a learning lesson on what not to do when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex. I will never put myself in that space again.  I will never label or put limits on what could be and if the male states he doesn't want a relationship and I know I do - regardless if this is the right person on or not, I'm going to walk away...cut my losses early...I'm not going to stunt the potential of what could be - I never want to feel this one sided feeling ever again. 2010 I will put those learning lessons into practice and truly accept someone into my life that's going to love me, respect me and honor me as his companion.  I still have suitors. A couple are past suitors, that I won't give them the time of day. It's backwards to go backwards. lol There is a reason they are past suitors. Not interested. 

2009 was a interesting year.  There was never a dull moment. There were somethings I didn't complete like: learn how to ride a motorcycle, play the drums or learn to play golf.  But I did rid myself of the emotional turmoil I had felt with my ex only to engage myself in a one side situation.  It was a step up from where I was coming from. Work was meaningless, but I enjoyed the pay...lol, I promise myself to be more proactive in my job and get my head together, remove the writer's block and start writing again.  

Writing is the key.  I would start writing short stories and I couldn't finish them.  I have written some treatments, but I don't feel like writing the script. I started writing a young adult novel, but I've lost interest.  I'm wasting time. My mind is cluttered. I have five days to remove the clutter from my mind - get FRESH for 2010. I can't bring this dead weight into the new decade. 

 

Be Free.......

 

 

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.