Every mid December I begin to think about the new year that's about to approach...and EVERY year I think about how I hope the next year won't suck like the current year or the years previously when it came to relationships. And guess what...every year thus far since 2001...it has sucked. lol
This year, I'm being PROACTIVE. 2010 marks a NEW DECADE....not just a newyear...but a new decade...a new period of 10 years - and I've decided that in this new decade....it's not going to be ANYTHING like that past 10 years.
The fact of the matter is - I was semi-dating someone. We had an agreement. I promised myself that my emotions weren't going to get involved. But I stepped over the line. This is the first person I've felt any kind of serious emotions about post SD era. This was a big step for me. If you've been following my blog, then you know that SD was a long drawn out relationship. It lasted for seven years and it was a roller coaster of nothing. Ups and downs and it filled with nothing...just absolutely nothing.
Anywho!.....things in my opinion started out really well between he and I. I really thought we were getting close and perhaps this could supersede what our orginial agreement was. Then it was finally dawned on me that this was NOT the case. As time moved on, he and I moved further and further apart. I agonized why this was happening. This went on for weeks. The more he didn't call or text me, the more I didn't call or text him. This is the kiss of death in any kind of interaction between people. Effective communication is essential to have successful relationship.
Today, it snowed an UNBELIEVABLE amount of snow....the DMV area has not had this much snow in probably 20 something odd years. But this snowstorm gave me the opportunity to really sit down and think about where I am and where I want to be. It was during these blizzard like conditions, I realize that this person that I really felt internally was the right person for me, is really NOT the right person for me. I just happened to meet someone that I FINALLY felt who treated me like I've been wanting to be treated for awhile. And I fell in love with the treatment. He treated me like I've longed to be treated.
This kind of treatment works so well with women who have been hurt,emotionally/mentally, financially abused by men over the years. I now believe I suffer from attention deficit. This is where women will SETTLE for any kind of treatment from a man just to keep that man around for the attention - no matter how little it is. We will listen to all the garbage he places in our dumpster because it's some form of attention. But that attention just keeps him in CONTROL over the overall relationship and keeps us (women) OUT OF CONTROL - trying to figure what is going on. We are always second guessing ourselves. Wondering and thinking about him...what's he doing...why is he doing that....and we don't even confront him when he doesn't something we find blatantly disrespectful for the FEAR of him LEAVING! lol That's straight trash! Trust me it is...if he leaves he wasn't the right one from the jump!
OMG! It's time to DROP this mentality!
So I've done some self assessment. I wasn't honest with myself nor was I honest with him. I knew when he first approached me that I wanted to be in a relationship. I just wasn't sure if Iwanted to be in a relationship with him. Matter of fact, at the time I was talking to someone else. Yet, the more and more he talked to me, the more and more I began to like him. But then I fell into la-la period - you know that period of time that men take you through - and you feel all happy and giddy, but truly it's nothing but to get to the end result - having sex. And I fell for it. I was really thinking this dude was feeling me MORE than what we agreed to. But know I see after WEEKS of really not having any communication, that if it was REALLY that easy for him to not COMMUNICATE with me, then he wasn't feeling me as deeply as I made it out to me in my own mind.
I'm clear with this. And I'm happy that I'm finally see it for myself. It's such a heaviness that has been lifted. I've heard some really solid messages from Lewis of iHustlenation and Dedan Tolbertof the DedanTolbert.net show. These messages have CLARIFIED so much for me.
In all, I've come to accept that he's not the person for me. I wasn't honest with myself. I'm scrapping my 90 day rule. A man will lasso the moon for the one woman he truly wants no matter how many days have gone by.
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