Michelle Carey

Author | Screenwriter | Poet | Podcaster

Copyright © 1998 - 2019, Michelle S Carey. Sunrai Multimedia, LLC. All rights reserved.

Wasting Time | No More Excuses | Life is Short | Life is Precious | Be Free

Last night I went to the bowling alley as I usually do on a Saturday night. I had opted to go bowling instead of attending my Great Aunt Juanita's birthday party. She's in her 90s if I'm not mistaken. Well now I clearly understand WHY I was suppose to go bowling.  I was given a subtle message of BE FREE, LIVE YOUR LIFE, LIFE IS TO SHORT and NO MORE EXCUSES...a reminder that LIFE is precious and I shouldn't take each day for granted...that I need to be on my Ps and Qs...that I no longer should settle, but make the most of my life on a DAILY BASIS. 

I'm standing there preparing myself to bowl for the evening.  I threw some practice balls. The lanes were just like I like them. I then saw a woman I knew from another league I bowled in years ago.  At one point in time she had bowled in the league I still bowl in.  She looked nice as usual, but she approached me and said Dion passed.  I was like Dion who? I knew her son's name was Dion, but I knew she could not have possibly been speaking about her son....and she was like MY SON. I WAS IN COMPLETE SHOCK! He died from injuries of being in a car accident.  The accident was October 11, 2009.  I bowled with him at point in time and he use to sub in my league.  It had been a while since I had last saw him.  I remember talking to him about my reasons for cutting my locs.  He had long locs that were very pretty and he was thinking about cutting them.  I told his mom about this...and she said yeah he had decided to cut them and he did so in May...and it was probably shortly before then that was the last time I saw him. I am still in shock and very hurt about his passing.  He was a young good looking bright young man. He worked for the DC Fire Department and I remember always seeing him in his blue uniform with DCFD on the back of his shirt....he just wanted to live his life to the fullest.  But on one night driving down Rt.197 Laurel-Bowie Road...that all came to an end. He lived for a couple more days, but he eventually fell to his injuries. I feel so bad for his mother. She was in good spirits for having just burying her son on October 20th. She didn't bowl...her husband subbed...but I tried to make her laugh and feel at ease. But I can tell she was feeling the pain of not having her son.  She told me she had her good and bad days...and I can understand this.  I watched my mother go through the same pain of having to deal with a passing of a child...her son, my brother. 

I can't believe I'm just finding out this news.  The mother of Dion had been up the bowling alley about a week ago and I still didn't know.  Wow....so here I am....able bodied...I am alive that can complete my dreams...my goals...and I'm going to do just that. 

It just so happened this week I made some decisions. The first being about my participation on Facebook. I logged out on Monday November 2, 2009 at 11am and I've not logged back in since. I've given up all the time wasting mindless games. I just don't see the importance in them any more. They are addictive and it's almost like being or having a second job. Between attacking folks on Mafia Wars, harvesting crops on Farmville, dancing with people on Yoville and waiting for a chicken to cook on Cafe World...I wasn't writing. I wasn't completing my projects. I was losing my writing spark and becoming more interested in things that have no significant outcome if I wasn't on Facebook. It's not about taking a "break" from FB, it's about seeing how useless it can be at times...and how it was stopping me from achieving my goals and dreams...FB is the dream of its founders and we have bought into THEIR dream...but I want someone to buy into my dream...my completed writings...my e-novel,  publish a manuscript, see my screenplays optioned and produced...but before that can occur I have to buy into me...and I can't do that by buying into things that keep me preoccupied from that goal. I know this blog post will pop up on my wall page...but rest assured...I have not logged into FB. 

Another decision I've made is how disgusted I am regarding my "love" life. lol This has been obvious with some of my previous blog posts I've made. The fact of the matter is I'm sick and tired of being "alone". I want someone to come into my life that is going to care about me like he's never care for anyone else in his life.  I've made some really bad choices in men and they have taken advantage of my kindness and I allowed them to because I wanted to say or "act" like I was this deep meaningful relationship. But I wasn't...I was just fooling myself.  Just like I continue to fool myself in my current situation. No matter how bad I want it to change or if I call myself reading the tea leaves as they say...this is another dead end interaction.  In part I feel like the victim and another part of me feels like the asshole. I saw clearly this past week where I thought he cared about me, but I see where I was misreading it...and he really didn't/doesn't care at all.  Seriously...I just don't care anymore. I've played my own role in this. Not seeing the signs, not wanting to believe that these people could treat me the way I allowed them to. Dion is dead and he no longer has the opportunity to find love or to have love find him....he will never know what it is to grow old.  My brother will never know what it is to grow old.  However, I still have that opportunity to grow old and share my life with someone who is worthy of all that I have to give.

Ahhh the older I get, the more cynical I become over this falling in love thing. And why not...I just feel like love doesn't love me...even after I've given love my all. There has to be a life lesson in all of this. I still believe this is apart of me learning patience. Once I learn it...I truly believe I will see everything clearly.   But given that...I look back on Dion and say wow...I still have a chance. The problem is...I care...I care too much...even when I shouldn't. Life is too short for me to care about people when they don't and will never care about me. I've lived so much of life wasting my good precious time on people that just used me...didn't care about me...only wanted sex with me but used love as the weapon of choice to seduce me. I fell for that crap. The lower lustful me fell for it. That is something I have to learn to control. It being out of control is what has gotten me to this place of despair. But I finally recognize it.  Thus allowing me to do something about it. 

I said I was going to live in a bullshit free zone.  Some aspects of my life I've done a great job of doing that...in others...well not so good and now is the time for me to apply this to all aspects of my life. I'll be 40 January 21, 2011...that is 14 months away. All that crazy young childish crap I use to put up with...is just that...and I'm not dealing with any of it anymore! 

I saw a sign this morning. I heard some banging on what I thought was someone at my front door.  I went to my bedroom window. No one was at the door.  It was just one of the kids.  What did I see, however.....I saw a woman walking to her car with two large white garbage bags full of clothes it looked like...but that's not what caught my eye...it was the fact that she was wearing a BLUE SWEAT SHIRT WITH DCFD on the back....I know...I'm on the right track.... 

Be free......

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