Something is WICKED | Who the hell am I? | Mid-Life Crisis
This is crazy....I'm moving actively and passionately to pay off all my credit cards and loans so I can purchased TWO....not one additional...but TWO additional cars. Mind you...I have a really nice car...but now I want to get my Mercedes Benz truck back. I traded it in for the car I have now....and I also want a sports car...I want a Z. Have I loss my mind? What in the world and why in the world do I need or want to own THREE CARS!!!!!!
This has to be a symptom of SOMETHING.... This "something" is a wicked entity...and I know it to be true!
I'd like to think that I love myself. But today is one of those days I'm doubting it. Maybe...perhaps I don't know what real true self love is all about. At this moment I really can't define it. I'm at a loss for words for what I think it is or knowing how to go about obtaining it.
If I don't love me, who will? And if I don't love me...do I even know who I am and that's why I don't love myself?
I'm searching for something. Something meaningful perhaps? Something is missing in my life. Something that would turn this all around. I'm not saying that this "something" is something that is outside of me....it's definitely INSIDE of me. I'm not sure if it's supposed to come out or stay in to fulfill me . Hell, I don't even know what it is. But it's just one of things I know is not there - I think...or maybe it is there, but laying dormant waiting for me to move it to fruition.
I think I'm more confused about life than ever...is this my mid-life crisis? Is this the beginning of it? I find myself being very confused about which way I'm supposed to go.....I have no direction....sorta....This has nothing to do with being a writer. I see that clearly. I know I am built to write. HOWEVER...there is "something" in the way of making this happen to the fullest of possibilities. SOMETHING is not allowing me to move forward.
Right now...I'm not feeling this "SOMETHING" entity. I feel this "SOMETHING" in my mind...in my heart....under my feet. I want this "SOMETHING" to show me that it is EVERYTHING...or NOTHING.
Why am I stuck? Am I really stuck? Or do I just THINK that I am stuck?
What is missing? Is SOMETHING missing? Or do I just THINK something is missing?
Does it have anything to do with self love/self hatred? Do I really love me or do I love what I think I have become? What's the difference? Or do I really dislike me...and I want to change that but can't figure out how?
Have I been pretending all my life?
Do I even know who I am?
Have I been living with a stranger all these years and now I'm being confronted with the reality of really getting to know me?
Who is the person that types these blog posts?
I have little understanding of who I am these days....and SOMETHING knows that....